My panic attacks.

My heart pounds and my face turns red, nothing make sense and I just want to curl up in my bed. All the thoughts racing through mind, I swear it feels like I am going blind. So many times I have cried over this, It is on repeat in my mind only slower Will it ever be over?? I will never understand why you did this to my baby she never hurt a soul.. my heart is turning to coal. Dark, black and hot out of anger..I ask myself would it have hurt more if you were a stranger? I hate you so much yet we share the same mom, she always took your side even when you were wrong....I don't care you can have her, She always saw me as a blur.. I cannot trust this feeling of healing, She is fine and smiles everyday but I don't think I will ever be okay. It haunts my nights and my days, No medication makes it go away. I cannot sleep for fear of missing something, I cannot eat for the lingering.. of nausia. I lay down and breath in deep, even then It does not sleep. A monster inside me that awakes my pain, It comes and goes like the rain. I cannot control it and it scares me to death I feel like I have nothing left.. to give. I am scared and alone but I must live. I will never forgive you for the way you altered my life, But I am a strong mother and Wife. The doctor says the pills will work, It will for a while but still it lurks. I will find a way someday to fight it ...on my own without a blanket. I must be strong for my baby for someday she will be a lady. I will show her what is right from wrong and make sure she knows I believed in her her all along. I will never leave her in the dark for she is my light and I am her spark.

My Love

Love can make you feel so broken and without hope, It like climbing an uphill slope, your worth the pain but it is a never ending chain. You cannot be here when I need you, I tried to fight it but my love just grew. It is my whole heart that you have stole, I hate how your eyes can see right into my soul. I have tried to forget this and move on, and then I cry because you are gone. I can't help but wonder why we go on.. How long can my heart take it, can this love really make it? We are worlds apart when will we end... and where do we start? I love you so much and it kills me to know that I can't keep going with the flow. Your smile makes me weak, It is so hard for me to speak, My heart says stay.. my mind says go.. What I shall choose I do not know. I do know every moment with you has been worth the pain but I cannot lie it is driving me insane. I will always love you no matter what should happen to us, I just wish you would ask me.. my answer would be yes.